On 10.43 am on September 23rd 2022, the Earl of Cumbria (formerly Lord Mandelson) was walking his small dog Gordy by the river near Putney when, without warning, a young man in his twenties stepped quickly out of a parked car and pumped three automatic pistol bullets into the retired politician.

A local resident captures the scene as the former Cabinet Minister inexplicably bleeds green bile

The man (still at large) was heard to shout "Stick that up your Hate-Bill passage" before driving off rapidly in a blue Hoinam automatic. Sole witness Rayleen OiVey saw the incident from the window of her select Geisha-Boy establishment across the road. She described the man as tall with red and green spikey hair. Police are treating the case as a one-off senseless hobophonic bait-crime. A spokes-operative said later, "He could so easily melt into any crowd from that description".

The Earl collapsed onto the grubby, vomit-stained pavement, having been hit twice in the left arm and once in the groin. He lay there for only an hour while passers-by used their Radish communicator engines in a bid to locate the nearest private ambulance. Three people comforted the Earl: none of them knew First Aid ( two had studied Social Correctness Addiction at Oxford, and the third - Nobel Prize-winning quantum cabin steward Fergus Dahlia - tried several times to download a Google At-Home Doctor kit via his online 7G wireless handsfree fingernail implant.)

For much of this time, Cumbria was conscious, saying over and over "My poor Gordy, he can't see very well, you know....is he alright?" and "I've only just got this suit back from the cleaners, I mean really". Former trainee headmistress and now bankrupt hairdresser Samun Shareen told reporters later "He seemed such a harmless old man, and very brave, but he did get a little irate at one point, saying "Where's the fucking ambulance - don't they know who I am?" In fact, when the paramedics arrived, they did ask him if he knew who he was. I understand that's standard. Anyway, I gave him a trim while we were waiting".

Happening on the scene some fifteen minutes later, Community Police Secondary Back-Up Assistant Chief Constable Rooney Colgate checked Cumbria over and declared himself unfit to help. "We're only allowed to shoot people what are outovodah" said CPSBUACC Colgate later, "whereas this chummy had been shot already so that wussn't none of my concern. Job done, end of."

Cross-dressing ambulance paramedic Edwin Boateng examined the former Life Peer on his arrival an hour later, and quickly diagnosed him as suffering from gunshot wounds. But such were not his specialisms: these lay in van driving and cultural diversity. However, his partner James Crowbate sprayed the victim all over with anti-MRSA gel before asking one of the witnesses to put the Earl on a stretcher and into the vehicle, on account of he was B SC Grade 1A*, and thus didn't do bloods or lifting.

Avoiding the four rabid Underclass road-blocks between Putney and Tottenham Court Road Polyclinic, driver Boateng recounted how the Earl of Cumbria remained alert during the journey, saying several reasonably lucid things such as "Careful with my watch you moron" and "Get me to the BUPA place near Oxford, I'm not going to some proles' sink-hospital".

He was taken on arrival to the A&E unit where Chief Acting Nurse Heather Sayle MA PhD gave him 25 units of valium to stop him screaming. She later told security police, "We dint know nuffink about the bloke see cos this is a pollywotsit and we don't 'ave the cont'nuity, just the Connectin' for 'ealth an' that, but s'not connected as we used up our target electrics for the day". CAN Sayle added "I only done wounds in me first year - just basic bandagin' so I bandaged 'im around is face cos 'e wuzz committin' Nursophobic swear-hate crime". When questioned about the enormous poo in the Earl's trousers, Sayle looked at her interrogator and replied "I gotta degree chum, I don' do shit. Nah, that's advanced alimentaries that is."

Head Macro-Surgical Intervention Consultant Sir Rowlicks Knockoff-Innit eventually agreed to treat the Earl. Once free of his facial orifice bandage, a desperate Cumbria hissed "If you botch this up I'll have you killed", but Sir Rowlicks smiled and reassured the one-time First Secretary of State that he was a renowned macro-specialist and product of the Earl's very own Medical School Affirmative Action Scheme enacted in 2010. The former Minister for Information then fainted.

"That'll save on the anaesthetic" said CAN Sayle as two cultural-exchange bankers loaded the patient onto a trolley and off to theatre.

The Earl of Cumbria died at precisely 3.22 pm on the operating table. The Medical Defence Union and the Greater Metropolitan Social Positive Policing Commission vigorously defended the courageous actions of CPSBUACC Colgate and HMSIC Knockoff-Innit in a statement the following day:

"While we regret the death of this fine man who made such a huge contribution to the Britain we all enjoy today, we do not see how his unfortunate demise could have been avoided.

'Despite the highly suspicious nature of an unexplained crowd around a prostrate victim, Officer Colgate not only correctly divined the lack of need for sixty-eight dum-dum bullets in the Earl's brain from close range, but also gave a diagnosis of gunshot injury that was of invaluable assistance to the paramedics who arrived later. As a Champion Racist-Baiter and leading member of the Anti-Fascist Cruelty Collective, we would have expected no less of him in this case.

'Surgeon Knockoff-Innit's approach of sawing off the Earl's head prior to surgery was entirely consistent with his training in macro-surgery, where nothing smaller than a hammer-axe is ever used. As a graduate diagnosed during his teenage years with Can't Get Me Fingers To Grip the Needle & Fred Syndrome, the Head of Macro-Surgery also acted quite properly in taking a B&Q combo screw-file to the patient's groin, and then making good with Ronseal kwikputty. Even when the anaesthetist told him "I'm getting these two red zeros and a loud humming noise here, anyone know what it means?" Sir Rowlicks Knockoff-Innit continued valiantly to try and revive the Earl with copies of I'm a Big Boy magazine - but the ongoing input was to no avail going forward.

'Finally, we should all take comfort from the fact that during this entire rescue operation, anti-paedophile security was maintained at a constant 120%. Considering that some seventeen schools and three swimming baths are extant within a ten-mile radius of the Polyclinic (where a total of seventy-four children lie suffering from chronic food-shortage disorder) we can remain satisfied that nothing more could have been done'

The capital's police chief later commented that so far none of his Community Robot Operatives had found any trace of the assailant. "I can however assure the public that on the off chance we do apprehend this person, he will be cautioned and warned as to his future behaviour in this regard" he told a press conference.

Cabin steward Fergus Dahlia was being treated for post traumatic fingernail palindrome last night. He has been recommended for the Elizabeth Cross in the light of his unwillingness to burst into tears at the scene.

Home