CRACKERS ARCHIVE/ NOT BORN YESTERDAY

Friday, Kiev

I thought the 1960 5-Year Plan Reunion was to be here today, but it seems the main tractor has flu. I waited two hours near the drop, but nobody came. Andropov came, but that's not important until 2014.

He left me this note:

but as far as I can tell it is written in strange hieroglyphics.

Yesterday, Bazra

I am here to report on giraffe hoof bombers for the Herald Tribune, although it might be Militant, I'm not sure. It seems women police officers are not allowed to search giraffes, and thus cunning terrorists have imported an insurgency of giraffes. I always thought the group term for giraffes was a neck, but it seems I have been in error these ninety-one years.

London, Tuesday

In town for today's reshuffle. I do enjoy a good game of Bridge, and changing the order of the cards makes the whole experience so much more stimulating. But later I heard that a reverse, U-turned shuffle was on the cards. Perhaps the whole game is a house of cards. These odd moments of lucidity are all too rare.

Bletchley, Friday evening

Here to crack the Code of the new recycling bin system

'Old fashioned' Billy proposes divorce to Trixie in ocean tryst

Trix and Bill....ecstatic

Former Fat Sister housemates Trixie Sledge and Billy 'Trigger' Dawkish have firmly decided on Court action following The Dawk's romantic proposal of divorce last week in a rowing boat off Gibralter. Said Sledge, "It was lovely, the sort of thing a girl dreams of and totally like off the cuff?" Billy told waiting newsmen off the starboard bow that he was "just an old-fashioned bloke who wanted to get divorced bfore, you know, any fluids get exchanged".

Ceolocanth rat Zeb caught snogging piles with pube-babe Tureen Bentley

Scowl...funny habits

Neurotic Mitten bass player Trill was in hospital following a massive overbite last night having heard the news of her new partner Zeb Scowl's one-nighter with It-Girl Tureen Bentley and a minor proctology problem.

Not trilled

Creator speaks: 'I don't remember ordering all these nig nogs and bum bandits'

God....reclusive

In an astonishing intervention, Almighty God entered the bitter Anglican debate tonight and appeared to suggest he is male, white and normal. Whispering exclusively to nby religious correpondent Dietrich von Ausland, God (who reveals his first name is My) proclaimed "Nobody listens these days. After the apple business I made it perfectly clear: no back-botty action, front-botty action only for procreation, get married first and keep the schwarzes in their place or there'll be trouble. As for the goys, look - I sent my son down there with the news that they're inside the tent too. But please, spare me the mincers and the wogs".

The outburst threw the Church into further confusion, with liberals and their opponents agreeing that the celestial interview was a fake. "There will be initial talks next week to agree a joint statement of disbelief" said Archbishop Tululi Nobuggas, "and we are confident that the church will reunite in the face of this outrageous forgery".

IF GOD DIDN'T SAY THIS,WHO DID? P'S 4-901

LOVE-RAT GEORGE WAS TWO-TIMING DANDO

Bonker Barry....caught at it

Serial sexual philanderer Bazzer George has been unmasked by the News of the World as a heartless thrill-seeker lying all along to the tragic TV presenter whom he did not in the end even kill.

SEX-ADDICT SWINE WHO LED JILL ON - P 328

PUPILS TO USE SATNAV IN A-LEVELS

Satnav....hailed as safety breakthrough

Schools throughout England and Wales will allow examinees to use Satnav in A-levels from 2010. The systems will be used primarily to guide students from classroom to examination hall without mishap, and also to provide assistance during exams with the locations of pen, hand and desk. As predicted exclusively last week in Crackers, fat children who smell will be allowed seven extra hours to complete papers.

sats to be banned - see below

Booker judges face phone-in enquiry

Literary scruffs in totally rubbish green curduroy jackets were stunned last night when supplier BT sent them a bill for £13.2 million. BT bosses said the unpaid charges relate to multiple calls made by various Booker jurors in order to vote for Rhydian Colliery on ITV's X-Factor.

Rushdie...so incensed by verdict he converted to Tenpin

Frequent juror, previous winner, future favourite, serial prick-dipper and eternally drek novelist Salman Rushdie allegedly voted some 3,874 times for the former Welsh coal mine, which eventually lost out to David Hockney tribute swimming pool Splash.

Full story on page 11, para 3 of So Dim's new shortlisted tragi-docudrama 'The Serene Bucket of Comrade Chin'

GEORGE CLEARED OF HEDGE-FUND OIL SCAM

George and Mildred....confused

Sinister international man of mystery and sad incompetent Barry George was today cleared of masterminding a 73% rise in the global price of oil single-handed from a taxi cab in Hammersmith. Metropolitan Police Inspector Elvis Smut said afterwards "I have inspected many police in my time, but very few as fat as detective sergeant Brinsick". Brinsick was credited with cracking the Oil-conspiracy case, but since the verdict he has been debited half his pension.

Wessex* arrested for murder of Dando - P 439

* The county not the Royal, although come to think of it....

(August 2008)