Let's have another £20,000 refit of Bercow's free flat, and design a cut-price voting system for those we represent

Yes by golly by George, let them eat cake, walk further and get up earlier....don't they know there's an election on?

In a very funny piece in this morning's Guardian, Simon Hoggart kicked off with the words 'They still don't get it, Part 873'. I think Mr H may have missed a few episodes of late, but even so the thick-skinned indifference of these bloated Blimps is now so indelibly printed onto the nation's psyche by a thousand irritably stamped kiddy-feet, it is becoming very funny indeed. Two MPs were yesterday exclusively overheard (by an nby reporter hiding in the cistern) chatting in the Commons Gents; their wise discussion now follows...

Sir Allenby Strutting (Con, Rotborough) Yes but you see it's all very well the press making fun of all this, but we've already halved the size of our petty cash shovels as it is.

Nobby Featherweight (Lab, Lower Turnout) You're not wrong there. I bet the ordinary bloke in this country hasn't the foggiest idea how much it costs to pay the average privately-educated daughter to help with website design.

S: Quite. I was only saying to Ken Clarke the other day, I said do you know Ken I said, the voter has never had any expenses in his life, so how on earth is he qualified to judge what is and isn't reasonable? I could tell by the way he puffed furiously on his BAT whiff that he agreed wholeheartedly.

F: I'm not surprised. People simply don't understand that we're underpaid. I mean, we don't get any bonuses like those bankers who've had their failure rewarded....

S: ....Spot on old boy - if they can get extra money for failing, why shouldn't we? It's just so dashed unfair. Anyhow, if we're going to tighten our money-belts, then the voters will bloody well have to follow our example.

F: I was saying the very same thing to Jack Straw only last week I said Jack I said, if the buggers are too lazy to turn up and vote then I'm damned if we should be giving them all these expensively-heated polling booths and printed bits of paper to put their crosses on.

S: And what did he have to say to that?

F: Well you know, he fixed me with that look he has like he's peering through a mucky window and he muttered "Do you know Featherweight, I think you just might have something there" he said and so I can only hope we'll see some action.

S: Good show. Serve them right, bloody work-shy thugs most of them - never done a day's real work in their lives. If the inseminatory little ingrates don't want to vote for us, then they can do without a vote. They'd soon see sense if we weren't around any more.

F: They most certainly would. They'd soon miss all those Job Centres and Health & Safety workers....

S:....illegal immigrants to employ as their servants....

F:...people like us taking decisive action and piling in with our tax budgets to stop the banks from failing. Imagine how they'd have felt if we hadn't been around to save the banks from collapse?

S: Exactly. Where would they get mortgages from then? They wouldn't have them any more, not one. Then you'd hear them moan.

F: I don't doubt it for a second. Do you know, the more I think about it, the more I think the electors in this country have gone to pot. If I had my way - and I never thought the day would come when I'd hear myself saying this Strutters - I'd tell the whole lot of 'em to clear off and leave it all to us. We'd get so much more done, I'm sure of it.

S: Excellent notion, Norbert.

F: That's kind of you to say so, Al: I think I'll mention it to Hattie. Fancy some dinner later?

S: Why not? Only, I'm a bit....

F:...oh that's alright, my treat. I've just been appointed to the Home Affairs Committee. Male prostitution and all that. I can quite legitimately put it down to research.

S: Research?

F: Well, you use the buggers all the time, don't you?

S: As a matter of fact I do.

F: Well then, I need to bone up on the subject.

S: Unfortunate choice of phrase there, Feathers.

F: Hmm? Oh - hah....yes, quite. Of course, we'll have to choose somewhere seedy where...you know....these gigolos wait for cruisers.

S: Quite. Like, um, Soho you mean?

F: Umm. Hix?

S: Perfect.....

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