Beijing calls to say 0% interest rates causing asset bubble. Mandelson emails to say cheap Pound good for exports, lower rates to -3%. IMF text says pay back 20% of debt and raise interest rates or we send in bailiffs.Ring Mervyn King, move one square.

Mervyn King in meeting with Osborne,can't be disturbed. Is this bad sign? Open latest issue Readers Digest, read article about saving money at supermarket. Resolve to raise VAT to 20% on everything. Email from Grocers consortium reads 'we're dying out here, don't cancel VAT cut'. Stagger into next square.

Mandy piece in Guardian says we must stop spending and start buying. Brown piece in FT says we must stop cutting and start selling. Cameron piece in Mail says we must cut everything, start selling, stop buying and get going. Lose way and slither one square down.

Ring Budget team and suggest raising interest rates and speeding up debt repayment. Mass hysteria at the other end: raising rates sure to kill fragile recovery, cuts will split Party. Take 15 mgs of valium and fall into next square.

Read Ed Balls tweet saying needs more education money. Slash education budget by 90%, then worry about Labour Left, and reduce cut to 1%. Resolve to strengthen Pound by abolishing interest rates. Hop to next square with new spring in step.

UK Retail Consortium emails to say members owe banks £8 trillion so must kick-start economy now. While reading, Merv rings back to say get interest rates back up otherwise will see biggest asset bubble since 1329. CBI rings to demand urgent meeting. Dive under duvet into next square down.

Slight feeling of panic as due in House of Commons in three hours and have 100% strategy deficit. Take nip of Grants Whisky. Resolve to ignore everyone and do what think is right. Realise have no idea what's right. Go back three spaces and take second gulp Whisky.

RBS Mole emails to say exposure to Latvian debt now £3 trillion. Also Moodys will rate UK treble C unless halve UK Debt by next week. Play game of eeny-meeny-miny-mo on fingers, realise seeing have 30 fingers.Slump into next square.

Take stock. Will put up interest rates to 12% and pay back all debt today. This will bugger everyone with a mortgage, and cause massive banking default crisis, but can borrow off Saudi Arabia and sell Scotland to Beijing. Go forward three squares.

CBI adamant that any rise in interest rates will render UK Third World nation by Q3 2011. Insist need more QE. Ponder whether care as this will be Osborne's problem soon enough. Drink remainder of Grants bottle and weave one square forwards.

Merv rings, asks what in Budget by way? Ask him whether any money left in QE pot. Maniacal cackle at other end: "Do Bears shit on the IMF?" he asks mysteriously. Take one of Gordon's MAOIs and go back three squares.

Talk to Gordon. Resolve to have him committed once all this shit over, but decide tax on banker bonuses wheeze will play well. Intrigued at PM's suggestion of tax on petitions asking him to go. Keep quiet about selling Scotland. Forward one square.

Surprised by stalled economy, accelerating debt, and slump in Sterling to 76% of Congolese Rupee. Must have more QE and keep Pound cheap for exports. Move one square forward.

Eureka! Have meeting with Mandy who shows me way out of conundrum: 'say doing everything, but produce net sum of fuck-all'. Decide he's not such a bad chap after all: gives me bottle of Grants & asks if I mind him being called First Prime Chancllor from now on. Smile indulgently and float on to last square.

In House with solid PBR package. Bit woozy, but confident. Tax on bank bonuses of 50%, rise in VAT by 2.5%, rise in inheritance tax of 5%, 0% rise in personal allowance, enquiry into where the nondoms are, 0% rise in drink duty (excluding whisky*) increase in rate of debt repayment by 0%, rent Scotland out as repo at 3.5%*, QE of 0%, interest rates at -2% Mon-Wed, +2% Thurs-Sun. Lots of waffle about global warming, Nobel Prize record, low carbon, world-class industries, cancer research, economic growth, securing recovery, 0% change in public spending, great public services, wonderful nurses and police.

* Not actually mentioned in the speech as such as it were.