Ben Bradshaw has been accused of bribing lots of television stations and websites and wotnot in order to get all the media Crown Jewels away from Rupert Murdoch and thus scupper the Conservative's plans to give him everything good with high ratings and stuff when they come to power.
The accusation was levelled yesterday (because I had nothing to write about) by me, as I am increasingly the front page lead of The Independent. A fairly sober Green Party senior insider said somewhere last night that 'the knitting circle think the only way left to win the election is to get people happy again and wrest all the good programmes away from Rupert. It's unbelievable'.
It is indeed: and other sources suspect that New Labour has been tailoring its bribes to ensure that those in charge of all these auction things they do these days will see what the Murdoch team are offering and then up it by ten bob or whatever.
Evidence of this secret deal being almost probably sealed includes:
* The BBC doesn't have the Cup Final any more, and people like the BBC doing the Cup Final as there's no adverts
* Sky have all the cricket and my uncle Ted says it's not fair
* Peter Mandelson is a big fan of Strictly and doesn't want Sky to get it
* James Murdoch is Rupert Murdoch's son and he recently said that the BBC is crap - twice in fact, and in The Times too which Rupert Murdoch owns and so Bradshaw and his team recently said right, fuck it, that's the final straw let's grab all the jewels and that'll get us the election victory we so dearly want, a heavyweight Libdem outsider confided last night
Speaking from both sides of his public face as the election spokesman for New Labour, Lord Mandelson dismissed the claims made in all the lines above that came before this one when he said:
"The idea that Ben and I would try and pervert the course of an election in this manner is sheer fantasy and obviously the work of extreme swing-wing journalists working on the fringes of the Indiesphere. Listen, any pussy cat with my long experience knows perfectly well that it's hard enough trying to bribe Indian car makers. The idea that any of the media would give a Hungarian boy's chuff what Ben wants is really quite ridiculous".
However, we have good reason to suggest in a roundabout sort of way that other members of the Evil Circle surrounding Mad-and-Blind phone-addict Gordon Brown might give us cause to suspect them of something. Did YOU know:
* Charlie Whelan has formed a pact with Radio 5Live to slander anyone who says he's formed a pact with Radio 5Live
* The Mirror-Labour axis long suspected by Piers Morgan has become increasingly strong since he left, and Morgan himself sends rude replies to emails offering him revelations about the Prime Minister's personality challenges
* Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger is the same height as Sarah Brown and went to the same school as Diane Abbott, a BNP mole alleged tomorrow
* Scottish Masonic Devil-Spawn Kirsty McNeill has formed a pact with the Glasgow Herald allowing it to go head-to-head with a deep-fried Mars Bar
"But it's all lies" wailed Ben Bradshaw on Question Time.
Nby, Andy McShite and all those involved with assembling this story would like to make it clear to all Carters, Rucks and other newspaper scanners that it's a joke.
